The Life and Times of J.D. McNutterhouse: Episode Two
This week’s adventure: “J.D. Gets Personal”
J.D. McNutterhouse was tired of getting rejection letters all the time. He knew it couldn’t have anything to do with his writing, and certainly not his manuscript format (didn’t he always make sure to use a 10 point font and single space to conserve room? Didn’t he always use large, bold fonts for his titles?). No, his formatting was fine.
After hours of deliberation, J.D. finally came to the conclusion that his cover letters needed spicing up. He had foolishly observed the advice of seasoned writers: in his cover letters he stated—in as few lines as possible—his word count, title, and other simple facts, only giving publishing credits when specifically asked for in the guidelines. Complete hogwash. He knew those “professionals” were full of shit.
Vowing to never heed the advice of other writers, J.D. created the perfect cover letter:
12 monkey street
Mistaken, New York 11214
Green Ant Review
My name is J.D. McNutterhouse, and I was born in Oklahoma 32 years ago. It was a c-section, explaining my perfectly formed skull and superior cognitive abilities.
I started writing in the second grade and have never looked back. I know you’ll love my story. It’s great. It’s perfect for your magazine. It’s about a giant komodo dragon that is elected president. It is exactly 3,423 words, so I don’t want to get stiffed on payment.
I read your magazine, and I think it is pretty good. I do have a few ideas I’d like to bounce off of you, but knowing this isn’t the appropriate time, I’ll wait till I hear back to discuss them.
I’m looking forward to receiving my acceptance letter. Try not to be too long about it; I need the money.
After finishing the letter, J.D. printed it out on blue paper and sprayed his favorite cologne on it. He enclosed a self addressed envelope but didn’t have the stamp to go with it. He was sure his new buddy wouldn’t mind.
Note: I beg of you, don’t do anything J.D. does. I think he’s on drugs.